Jan. 17, 2025
No Chill #2: What If Movies Were Real and Parenting Was Flexible
Ever wondered what life would be like inside your favorite movie or TV show? Join us this week on Brother, Sister as we launch "The Weekly What If," where fantasies become our reality. Picture Josh teaming up with Arnold Schwarzenegger in the adrenaline-fueled world of "Predator," while Lisa dreams of cozy family moments on the set of classic sitcoms like "Family Ties." Our nostalgic chat takes a humorous twist as we reflect on the household rules that shaped us—think strict bedtimes and dinner table etiquette. Despite sharing the same home, our experiences were worlds apart, and now those lessons creep into our parenting styles, where snacks and bedtimes are much more negotiable.
Shifting gears, we dissect the changing face of parenting, comparing the rigid rules of yesteryear to today's more flexible approaches. From balancing chores with rewards to ensuring gender fairness, we cover it all with heartfelt honesty. Listen as we champion the power of positive reinforcement over punishment and stress the importance of giving kids a voice within set boundaries. Personal anecdotes reveal the challenges and joys of raising children, especially when patience is vital in fostering independence. It's a candid conversation packed with laughter and insights that every parent can relate to.
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Bring your feelings. We’ll bring ours.
07:43 - Sibling Banter and Rule Reflection
12:39 - Parenting Styles and Challenges
WEBVTT
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Hey, this is Brother, Sister.
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Whatever, I'm Lisa.
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And I'm Josh.
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We are two siblings with no chill and a whole lot of oversharing.
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We're here every Thursday with a fresh 20-25 minute of sibling, banter, deep dives and random tangents.
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So mark your calendars.
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This is your new weekly hangout.
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Alright, let's go.
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Alright well, listen, we are about to kick off something new in this episode.
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We are pretty excited about it.
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Welcome to what we want to call the weekly what if?
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This is where we throw out a totally random, silly, thought-provoking question to get you and us thinking no right or wrong answers here, just pure fun.
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So let's get started with our very first.
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What if?
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What if you could live inside any movie or TV show?
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Which one would it be?
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Are you really putting me on the spot here?
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Yeah, I know.
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Okay, a TV show, a sitcom.
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Oh gosh, let me guess.
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Which one do you think?
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You're either going to say Friends Seinfeld, maybe that Steve Urkel there, family Matters Family.
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Matters.
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No, actually I was not going to pick any of those.
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Oh.
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I was going to pick Family Ties.
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Family Ties.
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Yeah, shoot, I don't even know, oh my gosh, please don't say that.
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Anyways, it's an 80s sitcom.
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It was about family.
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Probably because you're older than me.
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Michael J Fox, no, I don't even remember that.
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No, no, no, oh, my gosh, must have been not in my era.
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Okay, so I guess I have to pick a show here, yeah, or a movie, or a movie.
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So back in my day, when I was a kid.
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Now are we talking like okay, you're saying like coming home for lunch this and that.
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So you're not talking like when I was like five, you're talking about like, even as a teen, let's say like a show or a movie we really loved yeah, of course, anything it could be any time under the age of 18 but I would love to be in the predator.
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I would totally love to live in that jungle trying to hunt down that predator, with Arnold Schwarzenegger by my side.
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Okay, I do know that everyone died except for him.
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I don't know how many times I used to watch that movie, but for sure I would love to have some kind of adventure like that.
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Talk about living on the edge.
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Yeah well, you only live once.
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I've been thinking about growing up and the rules that we used to have growing up.
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Now, as we mentioned before, we already know this.
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I'm six years older than you and I'm a girl.
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You're a boy, so there's already a difference in how we were raised.
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We know this, despite the fact that we had the same parents and the same household and, for the most part, the same rules.
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So I'm kind of interested to see how, what, like what your take was on growing up with some of the rules that we had versus like how I would look at it right off the the top of my head, bedtime was a big deal growing up.
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I remember like we had a designated bedtime and that was it, like we were in bed for the longest time.
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But in elementary school I remember like bedtime was like seven.
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I think I remember that.
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Yeah, dinner was a big thing too.
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We all had to eat at the table together, no snacks.
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We never had desserts.
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Really Like it's very different from my family now.
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Like my kids think that dessert is like customary.
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Exactly, it's like part of the dinner.
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Yes, exactly Like what do you remember growing up?
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What kind of rules.
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I remember no dancing or jumping on the couch.
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At least we didn't have plastic on the couch.
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Yeah, I remember if you were inside the house then you were doing chores.
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So the idea was stay outside, stay far, far away from the house, so that you don't have to do chores.
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The minimal amount of work required.
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And that's what made probably what made me so active.
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When I was a kid, I was playing everything basketball, soccer, hockey and it's because, you know, it was always like you stay outside and then, when the lights go on at night or whatever, like that's when it's time to come home.
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Yeah, I think some of these rules were like reasonable to grow up like.
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I think everyone has their, their set of rules.
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I mean, you know, I am so laid back.
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I'm probably way too laid back with my own kids so some of the rules that we were discussing, like dinners and snacks and bedtimes and all of that stuff, like you, don't do that my kids have carte blanche to go into the fridge, to go into the pantry, to take it At any time.
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At any time to take whatever they want.
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I might complain a little bit if, let's say, it's just before dinner, but I'm pretty slack with that stuff.
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What about?
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you when it comes to snacks?
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When it comes to snacks, yeah, I'm probably way too lax with that.
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I.
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Here's the thing Riley, my oldest, 10 years old, he has started not asking.
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So I have to be very, I have to be very diligent and like watch him, because he'll just go and grab and what and and eat whatever, even if it is five, ten minutes before dinner yeah, what I mean, that's jet that does the exact same thing, yeah but Grayson's, uh, is my youngest.
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He's seven and he's kind of still in that phase of asking permission for things, which is great, but he's definitely more of a snacker than Riley is, so I don't know.
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I'm kind of uh, kind of all over it, but bedtime for me.
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Bedtime is a very strict rule in my house for sure for sure.
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I remember, when I first became a parent, what, like you know, people give you advice, and one of the pieces, pieces of advice that mom gave me was that you need time for yourself.
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Give yourself some time.
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Yeah.
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And in order to do that, you need to kind of establish bedtimes, whatever that bedtime is for you, bedtimes, whatever that bedtime is for you, but stick to it so that once bedtime hits you, you've got that hour two, three, whatever it is, before you go to bed to decompress to.
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You know, yeah, now do I always decompress?
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Absolutely not.
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I'm, you know, running around trying to plan for the next day, but it does help to to have that.
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So I find I find that that that's definitely a big thing for me is bedtimes.
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Yeah, I mean I would say that I probably go to bed, especially now, but I probably go to bed before my kids go to bed.
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So I'm in bed at like eight, seven, 45.
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So that's because you wake up like four o'clock in the morning or something.
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Yeah, yeah, I'm up at four and all that stuff so yeah, so, and and you know, my kids are usually not.
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what's funny is I've noticed that when I was a night owl, they would obviously try to stay up as late as possible and now, because I'm in bed early, they want to go to bed.
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So now they're jumping in bed, trying to be with me, or whatever you know.
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So I find that, you know, as cliche as it might sound like leading by example, like it really it's it's very evident that they are really just connected to you, yeah, in so many ways.
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so so, yeah, yeah, I'm in bed at eight and the kids are usually not far from that time, like 8, 10, 8, 15, I hear them, you know as somebody that's been a parent for 25 years oh my god, I'm aging myself, um but I think I really do think that rules are that are there for when you need and want them, and they can change over time in many different ways with many people or in this case, we're talking about kids.
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With any child in specific, depending on their needs, their, you know, depending on your needs, depending on the times, depending on the ages, I think there's so many variables.
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You know, one thing works for one kid, the same thing won't work for the other.
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I think rules in some ways kind of factor in there as well.
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For sure Not all rules will work for all kids and so, yeah, I think, after many tries and I'm still trying I still have time way to go with two more kids at home growing up.
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That it's, yeah, like rules are meant to be broken in a way.
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They're there for when you need them and if they don't work, then they don't work and you move on and you adapt and you make new rules.
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Yeah, in that context of what you're talking about, rules, and let's look at discipline.
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And this for me is a big one, probably because in my career I'm dealing with things that are always evolving in the sense of the training, and I was someone who was extremely in that disciplinary role when it came to being physical, to now being a science-based trainer.
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And if I look at back in the day, with kids, you had, you know, wooden spoons, you had belts, you know.
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It was discipline based on fear.
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Yeah, it was all fear-based and so the thing about that.
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Now again, I'm not a human psychologist, but what's crazy is that you can technically relate some of this to what I do for a living In dog training.
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In dog training, because when we look at fear-based scenarios, what ends up happening is that the dog starts to lash out in a fearful way, but to people that it looks like dominance, it looks like aggression and it is to me at least, it sums up to the same thing as what a bully would look like.
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You know, we could look at a bully and we could be like I'm talking about like zero empathy, okay, kind of scenario.
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We can look at a bully and be like, oh my gosh, what a jerk.
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Like look, look what that kid did to that kid, or there's so many, you know variables in there, but but like more often than not we're like what a jerk, what an ass.
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But then when you dig a little and you see what that kid is going through at home not to excuse what he's doing or she's doing to other people, but it so makes sense, the abuse that's happening at home or wherever it's happening or wherever it's happening to then finding someone weaker to be able to kind of latch on and react in that way.
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It's a coping mechanism.
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It's a coping mechanism exactly.
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So it actually happens with dogs all the time and people are like, oh yeah, this dog is very aggressive, very, very dominant, which is completely false.
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Every time I see the dog who's aggressive, it's always fear-based.
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So you can, I can, you know, because I've been studying this for so long.
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I can literally just like I'm sure a child psychologist who's been doing this for 20 years could look at a child and be like, no, this kid is scared.
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You know, just the same way that I can look at a dog and be like, no, that dog that's showing all his teeth, that looks scary as hell, is completely terrified, you know.
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So that's kind of how I think we've evolved over time, because you know, the theory that I'll hear very often is well worked.
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For me, I turned out okay.
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That's perfectly true.
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You did turn out okay, maybe.
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But what ends up happening is that it becomes a 50-50, as opposed to I don't know.
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I don't know what the odds are, but maybe if I'm doing everything positively and positive reinforcement, et cetera, maybe it's 80-20.
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20% of the time my kid might be fucked up.
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80% of the time, you know, everything is fine, Versus if it's that I'm going to beat you or I'm going to smack you because you did this.
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I'm going to scare you.
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I think the chances are probably really high.
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But what about genders and rules?
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Do you have different rules for your daughter than you do for your son?
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Well, yeah, of course, my daughter's not allowed to see any boys, and I'm kidding.
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Do I have any different rules in that sense?
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I don't think so.
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What about chores Do you give?
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Well, first of all, do you have chores at your house?
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Do the kids do chores?
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Yes.
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What are there?
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I mean right now they're watching a guinea pig.
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Okay, they have two guinea pigs.
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So they're responsible for another little life, kind of thing.
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Yeah, they.
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So you know they have like tasks and jobs, you know.
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So my, my wife has like a little board and they have to check off everything they do.
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And the whole idea here is, if they kick butt with this whole project, um, um, but we're expecting them to fail, not in a way, like you know, like our kids suck, or anything, but just in the sense, like you know, because this was kind of like where we went with the chore thing.
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We were like, if you, if we do not have to tell you to do this, this and this, and you do this with these guinea pigs that we're watching for six months or however long it is, then we will consider a big consideration of getting you a small little creature that you want.
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Okay.
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And so that's kind of where we're going.
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So I guess it's maybe not the same thing as chores, because like these are, like, you may get something at the end of the day, like it's different, or maybe.
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Well, no, I think it depends right.
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Some parents enforce chores and that's it.
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Some have chores for an allowance at the end of the week, or you do your chores and you get TV time or iPad time or whatever.
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There's many different scenarios.
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I don't think it has to be tied with end result.
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I also don't think it doesn't have to be tied with an end result.
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I also don't think it doesn't have to be tied with an end goal or an end surprise or gift or whatever.
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Here's what I think is very different from how we grew up versus how we raise our children now, or how I raise my kids now is there was very little room to fuck up when we were kids.
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You follow the rules, and if you don't follow the rules, well then you are in your room, or you go to bed early, or you get something taken away from you, or you lose a privilege or whatever.
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Right.
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Yeah.
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Like there was the way of parenting was very stringent, very, in my opinion.
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Yeah, yeah it was very it was very kind of like this is how it is and I want to do different with my kids.
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I want them to feel like they have a voice, that they can come to me with anything, that we can talk about things, that they have a say.
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And I'll be the first to say that the kids having a say is not always a great thing.
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Yeah.
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Sometimes you just need to follow the rules, because even I as an adult have rules to follow.
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It's not like.
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I can go to work whenever I want.
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I have to be there for a certain time.
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You know, when I'm there I have to work a certain way.
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Right, like there's rules in life.
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Yeah.
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That are not always negotiable.
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And yeah, I'm just trying.
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I'm just, you know, going through this fine line of of trying to figure out again we, like I said earlier, as years go by and, as you know, for every kid and for every situation you're kind of adapting, almost right, and how you're teaching them and yeah.
00:16:25.091 --> 00:16:29.409
So I'm just trying to figure it all out, but it's, it's very interesting.
00:16:29.409 --> 00:16:32.636
Yeah, I find the whole thing interesting, quite frankly.
00:16:32.636 --> 00:16:33.466
What about you?
00:16:33.725 --> 00:16:41.025
well, I mean I'd say that, um, the kids have it pretty easy, uh, at home there's there's no question about that.
00:16:41.025 --> 00:16:43.489
Why, hmm, I mean I don't know.
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I mean I would say that our us growing up, I could maybe perhaps remember some kids having it way worse, like friends, you know, who had it like way worse in the sense of like you know rules and this and that Absolutely in the sense of you know, it's pretty fair game kind of thing.
00:17:05.874 --> 00:17:21.825
But I guess I would say, probably my week it's not really on the same topic exactly, but I'd say probably my biggest kind of issue or thing that I know I need to work on is that I'm always rushing.
00:17:21.825 --> 00:17:31.151
So I feel like now I'm in a point of my life where I have a little bit more time, so I try to do things a little bit slower.
00:17:31.151 --> 00:17:34.488
It still doesn't happen because it's like part of my DNA.
00:17:34.729 --> 00:17:35.531
It's ingrained in you.
00:17:35.612 --> 00:17:37.419
Yeah, it's ingrained, you know so.
00:17:37.419 --> 00:17:55.534
But like, one of the biggest things is, like you know, because my son, he has quite a bit of disabilities and so when he has trouble getting the zipper on or for his coat or his boots, very very challenging for him to put his boots on.
00:17:55.534 --> 00:17:59.936
I will just okay.
00:17:59.936 --> 00:18:01.040
There it's in.
00:18:01.241 --> 00:18:02.045
Do it for him kind of thing.
00:18:02.326 --> 00:18:09.429
Yeah, I'll do it for him instead of letting him try, and I remember an OT saying like you know, you gotta, you gotta let him.
00:18:09.429 --> 00:18:12.034
I find that I find it.
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OT, like occupational therapist no offense, people out there okay, but but I'm gonna say it.
00:18:18.672 --> 00:18:22.768
Okay, I feel like these professions don't get me wrong, anyone can do them.
00:18:22.768 --> 00:18:30.948
You study for them, them, you can do this, okay, I get that, but I feel like, until you're a parent, okay, you can't say certain things Like you can't say.
00:18:30.948 --> 00:18:35.573
You just need to calm down and go slower, let him do it or let her do it.
00:18:35.573 --> 00:18:41.592
Like we're in this fantasy land, we have five minutes to catch the bus and it's gotta happen now.
00:18:41.592 --> 00:18:55.786
And I just find that they live in this la-la land and they're like yeah, okay, josh, I get it you know let's do it five minutes earlier or do it 10 minutes earlier, but you know what, that's not always easy.
00:18:55.695 --> 00:19:16.912
So yeah, we try to do it and I know I sound like I'm just making excuses, but I feel like when I dealt with an OT who had kids, I found the training so different and they figured out ways for me to kind of manage like my workload and how to do this and do that, like, for example, you know what, josh, you're in a rush, do it, get his stuff on.
00:19:16.912 --> 00:19:24.055
But you know what you could do after dinner, maybe half an hour before bed, sit on your steps and get him to put on the.
00:19:24.055 --> 00:19:26.047
I said, oh my gosh, I go.
00:19:26.146 --> 00:19:28.355
This is genius, I agree, I understand.
00:19:28.355 --> 00:19:29.912
I totally understand what you're saying.
00:19:29.912 --> 00:19:38.273
Well, I think we discussed quite a bit of stuff, josh, and remember that we're here every Thursday, so subscribe and never miss an episode.
00:19:39.186 --> 00:19:40.111
And don't be a stranger.
00:19:40.111 --> 00:19:48.595
Follow us on Instagram Brothersisterwhatever, Slide into our DMs, share your stories or just even say hi.
00:19:48.595 --> 00:19:51.855
We can't wait to hear from you Until next time.
00:19:51.996 --> 00:19:52.637
Take care guys.
00:19:52.999 --> 00:19:53.560
Bye.
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