May 28, 2025
No Chill #18: We Tried to Heal. Now We’re Tired.
Ever wondered if all this self-improvement stuff is actually making us better—or just making us obsessed? Josh and Lisa dive headfirst into the complicated world of modern self-help, questioning when personal growth becomes a personality trait and why we're all suddenly desperate to fix ourselves.
The siblings share candid stories about their own journeys, from Josh's realization that gaming had become a void-filling addiction rather than a healthy hobby, to Lisa's experience with misleading self-help messaging that actually prevented her progress. They tackle the important distinction between aspects of ourselves that genuinely need improvement versus accepting certain personality traits as they are.
You'll laugh as they debate extreme wellness scenarios in their "This or That" segment (Would you rather wake up at 4am daily or drink celery juice for every meal?), but you'll also find genuine wisdom about finding balance in your personal development journey. Josh shares his experiences with journaling, while Lisa reveals how she's learning to embrace tools like therapy and mindfulness practices.
Perhaps most valuably, they explore what happens when partners grow at different rates, with Josh offering a beautiful metaphor about relationships as waves where sometimes one person leads while the other catches up. "You never have to be right there with someone," he observes, "but I don't think you can get too far ahead."
Whether you're a self-help skeptic or a personal development junkie, this episode offers refreshing perspective on finding authentic growth without falling into the traps of toxic positivity or wellness obsession. Subscribe now and join us on the journey where real talk meets zero chill!
Thanks for hanging out with us on Brother Sister Whatever!
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New episodes every other Thursday.
Bring your feelings. We’ll bring ours.
00:28 - Welcome to Brother, Sister, Whatever
00:46 - Why Is Everyone Trying to Fix Themselves?
06:36 - The Weekly "What If" Scenario
13:56 - The Self-Help Starter Pack
22:08 - When Advice Becomes Harmful
23:51 - This or That: Self-Help Edition
28:32 - When Partners Grow at Different Rates
WEBVTT
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Hi everyone, welcome to Brother, sister.
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Whatever where real talk meets zero chill.
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I'm Lisa.
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And I'm Josh.
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And today we're going to talk about self-help.
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Self-help, oh boy.
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Self-help.
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How we fixed ourselves.
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How we fixed ourselves or are still trying to.
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Okay, why is everyone always trying to fix themselves?
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I think, because people are finally realizing that they're the problem.
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Is that what that is?
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I think so, I think so.
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I think we're so used to blaming everyone else we're finally realizing that we might have to look at the common denominator.
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Yes, common denominator Right, it's true.
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It's true.
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Do you think it's become like its own personality type?
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Like in what way?
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Well, I know that there's people who are Like self-helping, yeah, yeah.
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Yeah, you know what I mean it's like oh, I'm walking, oh I'm reading a book, oh, I'm self-helping.
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Yeah, well, I know that there are addicts.
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Self-help addicts yeah.
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And, like you know, it's like they're so self-helping that they're like selfish.
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Okay.
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Deep dive into that one, what do you know?
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Dive into that one?
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What?
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would you mean, for example, one, one person where it's like everything was always about like him getting better and this and that, okay, but also like there was, there was, you know it was, it was all for like a purpose of like what he could get, versus like from you, so to speak, like there was no giving in in that kind of like from you, so to speak, like there was no giving in that kind of like.
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Like you know, like self-help is, yes, you're trying to understand yourself and this and that, but like his self-help was like understanding himself, but then, like you know, having to do this for himself and he has to have this and you know, because this is, you know, his vibe now, okay, and you know, because this is you, know his vibe now okay, and, and you know like it was just very you felt it was like it's more like um selfish, like more of a taking more of a taking maybe using it yeah to your advantage yeah, exactly, and.
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And so you know, there, I think there's such a thing as a little overboard, you know a little too much self-help.
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Well, I've asked myself sometimes like am I just finding things to fix?
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Because one thing I've learned is that I'm a fixer.
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Definitely know that about myself, definitely know that about myself.
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So does that also like I've?
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I've stopped and actually asked myself am I being a fixer on myself now?
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But that's normal right.
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Like that's, that's what you do, right, like you, you, you help yourself, you fix yourself and you're always looking for, but that's the asterisk.
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You're always looking like, what if you're making more out of something?
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Do you know what I mean?
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Yeah, I get it, but that's up to you.
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What requires help and working on something versus this is simply a part of my personality.
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Well, I think I think what it comes down to is how you feel about said situation.
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You know, so if you're always feeling like shit or other people around you are feeling like shit, it's about like okay, is it them or me?
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And and then you know, figure that.
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So that's, that's important, I think yeah, no like.
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I've had a lot of those moments where you ask yourself that well, I'm where I'm asking myself like, okay, this person is not feeling good, you know, and I'm not feeling good.
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Is it me or is it us, or is it them?
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And trying to, you know, figure that out and weed through it kind of thing, you know.
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So I think that when you have those epiphanies, yeah, you have to, but I'm not going to be like I can.
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Like I'm trying to think of a good example, like, for example, I knew I had to work on myself when it came to my gaming, and it wasn't because I had people bitching at me, it was because I started feeling depressed.
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I started feeling.
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And don't get me wrong, there's maybe some other people out there where they feel the opposite.
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And that's okay, you know, because I did feel the opposite, but it was more of filling a void than it was actually helping myself, you know.
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So it's those kind of things where you have to decipher and and figure out are you just kind of filling the void or are you actually like self-helping?
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Right yep, because gaming could be, could be, self-helping.
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I need a break, I need to you know I need to let loose.
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I, I can't just always be on.
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I have to have my time.
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I have to do things for myself, right, right.
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Like a hobby.
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Like a hobby, right, but there's a difference from that, and then it going to another place.
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Well, absolutely.
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So yeah, you could say that about pretty much everything.
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Yeah, true.
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Yeah, you could say that about pretty much everything.
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Okay, let's pause here and let's do weekly.
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What if?
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Yeah, okay, let, okay, let's pause here and let's do weekly.
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What if?
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Yeah, let's do it.
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What if you had to live one full week following the most extreme self-help advice out there?
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Wake up at 4.30 am, cold plunge gratitude journal no caffeine, no phone.
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Eat raw kale.
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No caffeine, no phone, eat raw kale.
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10,000 steps before 9am.
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How fast would you break?
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Would you be able to pull it off One?
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week.
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I don't think I'd be able to pull it off for one week.
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I think I could pull it off for a week, but I'd be miserable doing it, do you?
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know what I mean.
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Yeah.
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And I don't think that's the point of it.
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No, it's not Of any of that, do you know?
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And so like, when you're trying to be better person, eat better.
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Whatever it is that you're trying to better, it has to come from a place of like, actual want.
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Otherwise, what the fuck are you doing it for?
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You're just going to make things worse, in my opinion.
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I'm no scientist, I'm no therapist, I'm no like, none of that shit.
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But one thing I know is, if I say to myself I need to eat healthier which I know I do and I cut out all the sugar and all of the bad drinks and no caffeine and all of this, I'm just like from, just like that boom, I'm just making it more painful.
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For sure.
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Now, if you were to ease into it and maybe just like, that's a different story.
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Yeah, I mean, everything should be in moderation anyways.
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I used to be that person where it's like you're having a donut, oh shit, you know.
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It's like you know what's in that, you know how bad it is for you, you know like all that crap.
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Now it's like you know I don't care if I have a donut.
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You never answered.
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Oh yeah, I would do that.
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I wouldn't have a problem with that.
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Of course.
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Well, I mean because I'm technically doing three quarters of it.
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Okay, okay, a quarter, I'm doing a quarter of it.
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Do you see my face?
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People Look at this.
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I mean I'm up at four, okay.
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The cold plunge I mean I do take cold showers once in a while.
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The gratitude journal I do that almost every day.
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Oh, fuck off.
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You're like the person on Instagram that I try to escape from.
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Okay, I don't go around being like I eat kale, I'm just saying these are some of the things I do, the ones I don't do.
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No caffeine I pretty much have coffee every day, at least one cup.
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No phone yeah, that definitely impossible.
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Eat raw kale I mean I haven't done that.
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10,000 steps I do, but not before 9 am.
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Eat raw kale I mean I haven't done that 10,000 steps I do, but not before 9am.
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So Okay, you're redeeming yourself a little.
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But, you think you'd be, you'd be okay.
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Actually, you know what?
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I could see you doing it Like.
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I mean, like I've mentioned before, I think you just you have this thing, you have a vision, this is what you want you go for it.
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I admire that about you, but fucking pain in my ass sometimes, you know.
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Anyway, okay, oh, if you could make a fake guru name for yourself, what would it be?
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I don't know, I guess, because I'm daoism now and everything, I'd like the warrior monk or something.
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Josh the monk, no, you know what?
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Josh the dao disciple, yeah look at you josh the dao disciple.
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I'd have classes and people would come in.
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Yes, my child yes, oh man oh man, let the river flow I can't even compare, I can't even like compete with that, so I'm just not even gonna give myself a name what?
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No, you have to give a name no, I don't oh god can't make me, oh geez okay, so self-help starter pack oh shit oh man, okay, the self-help starter pack.
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What most people try first.
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Books are obviously huge Books, podcasts.
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Yeah.
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I've even done like Pinterest, you know, looking for quotes or affirmations, stuff like that.
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Activity physical activity Physical activity.
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You know, like walking, yeah, fresh air.
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Listeningirmations, stuff like that.
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Activity, physical activity.
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Physical activity, you know, like walking.
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Yeah fresh air listening to birds chirp.
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Yeah, yeah.
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All of that fun stuff.
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Now, speaking of books, what are some of your, actually?
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You know what?
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Let's name one book, self-help book, that you have truly enjoyed or that has made a difference.
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Not the only one, but at least one.
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I'm so bad at names, but I have one.
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Okay, go for it.
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While you're looking it up, I will actually say one of the ones that I truly enjoyed was Atomic Habits.
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Okay.
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Okay, enjoyed was.
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Atomic.
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Habits Okay, okay, just the ability to like look at how to form a habit differently.
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Yeah, was really inspiring and kind of changed how I look at myself, because I was always like why am I so?
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Why do I find it so hard to follow through with things?
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Right, right, yeah, okay.
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So that one was a big one for me, one of the big ones.
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There's been tons of others, but that was a big one for me.
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What, uh, which?
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The one?
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that changed everything for me, yeah, and got me kind of into my groove.
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Yeah.
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The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson.
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That one, mark Mans, not giving a fuck by, uh, mark manson.
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that one, mark manson your guy, that one there he's.
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Uh, he's a true chap have you read any self-help like parenting books?
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um, I started one, I think, the one that you uh recommended to me oh shit, wasn't it you?
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I think it was you that recommended it to me.
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It's been good oh, the parenting map by dr Shefali.
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Yeah, okay, yeah, that was eye-opening.
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Oh, and I have Atomic Habits.
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Oh you do.
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Yeah, it was good.
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Yeah, you should read it or listen to it.
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For some reason I didn't go through that one.
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Yeah, definitely like.
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Self-help books are like the number one way.
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For sure.
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I would think to like.
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Change your life, change your life.
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And now podcasts are just becoming more and more big.
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All of these like I mean.
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You have so many like the Brene Browns.
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I think even Mark Manson has his own podcast, does he not?
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Yeah, he does.
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Okay so like there's, they're all over.
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Yeah.
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You can't escape it.
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No.
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You, you can't say oh, I don't know where to start, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to.
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There's so much help out there.
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Yeah.
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You know, and if you're listening and, like we said about the fan mail, you can send us something and we'll send you some of our top books.
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Yeah, for sure.
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We'd love to hear what you guys have read.
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What's inspired you?
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When does the advice go from being helpful to being harmful in a way?
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Have you ever seen messaging that was more harmful than helpful?
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And I'll give you an example If you want it badly enough, the universe will give it to you, right?
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So one of the things that I was told similar to that actually is if you're not doing it or you don't have it, it must mean that you didn't want it badly enough.
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Okay.
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Okay, and I used to wear it.
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I almost used to wear that or use it as like a.
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Like a crutch yeah.
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You know, I guess I didn't want it badly enough Right After I did nothing to get it or to even try to change or to whatever the case.
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It was Right and like let's take eating healthier as an example.
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Like I said, didn't want it badly enough, didn't make any changes, didn't give up that snack, didn't give you know, didn't eat more kale, whatever the fuck.
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So I feel like that harmed me more than it helped me.
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So I feel like that harmed me more than it helped me, because it wasn't until afterwards, when I was reading about how the brain works.
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Right, it's almost like that.
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Thinking that way of thinking that sentence, I made myself believe that, and so, therefore, my actions followed it.
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Yeah.
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Does that make sense?
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Yeah.
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So it did like the complete opposite of what I had wanted, just by hearing those words.
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Your luck is based off of how much you sweat, you know.
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So it's like basically there is, metaphorically, yeah, okay.
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So basically there is no luck, right?
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It's how hard you work and that luck comes from the work you do, kind of thing.
00:15:43.166 --> 00:15:47.605
So you know that could be perceived also as negative in a way.
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Yeah.
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Well, what about those people that are working really fucking hard, Like there's?
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There's more to it than just work?
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Exactly.
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Working hard at something.
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You know.
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So I think I think you, you, when you hear these kinds of lines.
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That's what I'm saying.
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Of of.
00:16:06.119 --> 00:16:11.822
I think you have to really kind of take it with a grain of salt, because but put it into context.
00:16:11.822 --> 00:16:12.806
But that's it.
00:16:12.806 --> 00:16:17.835
That's it, you know, because you'll hear those, especially those kind of things.
00:16:17.835 --> 00:16:19.100
I hear them all the time.
00:16:19.715 --> 00:16:22.424
So what are your thoughts on like journaling?
00:16:24.038 --> 00:16:25.309
I'm getting into it.
00:16:25.572 --> 00:16:25.754
Okay.
00:16:26.235 --> 00:16:29.244
But I journal a little differently.
00:16:30.486 --> 00:16:30.767
Okay.
00:16:36.274 --> 00:16:36.895
I journal a little differently.
00:16:36.895 --> 00:16:39.059
Okay, so I don't journal like my day or like my stuff, or like what I'm thinking or reflection.
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