Oct. 1, 2025
Friendship Fades: Were 90s Connections Real or Just Convenient?
We dive into the evolution of friendships from childhood to adulthood, questioning whether our 90s connections were genuinely deep or merely convenient based on proximity. Through personal stories and listener questions, we explore how friendship dynamics shift over time and what it takes to maintain meaningful connections when they're no longer built into our daily routines.
• Examining the nature of childhood friendships and how they were largely determined by physical proximity
• Contrasting male and female friendship dynamics - girls shared everything while boys kept emotions guarded
• Discussing how "ride or die" high school friendships naturally evolve as life circumstances change
• Exploring the concept of "Frentimacy" and why we don't communicate our needs in friendships like we do in romantic relationships
• Addressing the painful experience of friendship ghosting and strategies for seeking resolution
• Sharing personal stories of schoolyard bullying and childhood betrayals that shaped our approach to relationships
• Reminiscing about 90s pop culture touchstones that once helped forge our connections
Thanks for hanging out with us on Brother Sister Whatever, your no-BS guide through the messy middle!
If this episode made you laugh, cringe, or question your entire existence as a GenX/Xennial — please hit subscribe and leave a review. It genuinely helps more unhinged humans find their people.
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Bring your feelings. We’ll bring ours.
00:14 - 90s Mystery: Were Friendships Real?
03:28 - Boy vs Girl Friendship Dynamics
07:42 - Adult Friendships and Communication Needs
12:31 - The Friendship Phase Game
18:28 - When Friends Vanish Without Warning
25:05 - Recess Betrayals and Schoolyard Bullies
30:15 - 1995 Pop Culture Rewind
WEBVTT
00:00:14.310 --> 00:00:17.731
okay, so time for this week's 90s mystery.
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You ready for it?
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Were our friendships actually deep back in the 90s, or just convenient?
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And I'll explain why.
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Think about it when we were kids?
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Did you ever travel to go for like a friend to a friend's house?
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No, your friends were in your proximity.
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Yeah, pretty much.
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We went to school and we had our house right Like our neighborhood.
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Yeah, did you make school?
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And we had our house right Like our neighborhood.
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Yeah.
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Did you make friends because you had no other choice?
00:00:50.121 --> 00:00:54.741
I guess it's possible, you know, I mean I was.
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I think I had more friends online in my game than I did, you know.
00:01:00.933 --> 00:01:06.111
So like when the computer first started getting popular like video game wise.
00:01:06.531 --> 00:01:06.953
That's true.
00:01:06.953 --> 00:01:09.789
You were really into online gaming as a teen.
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And then I was.
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You know, I'd say I had more friends over the globe than in real life.
00:01:18.593 --> 00:01:28.432
Okay, and that's because of a shared mutual thing If you were not on the computer, you weren't in touch with these people.
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No, that's what I'm saying, right, yeah.
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Like what like, but at the time, like I remember high school, for example.
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Mm-hmm.
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The friends that I had.
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We're like ride or dies at the time, and then when you kind of finish high school, there are listen, I'm not saying it doesn't happen, Of course.
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I still keep in touch sporadically with at least one really good high school friends, like really great friends at the time.
00:02:06.275 --> 00:02:11.010
Yeah, and we still, you know, send each other memes or whatever every once in a while right.
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But there are others that were my ride or dies in high school that I didn't.
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And why is that?
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Because you go to.
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They went to CSEP, I didn't.
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So we're not in the same proximity anymore.
00:02:24.330 --> 00:02:25.759
True, I had a kid early on're not in the same proximity anymore True.
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I had a kid early on.
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They were single and mingling, singling and mingling Right.
00:02:32.949 --> 00:02:38.444
Very different life experiences at the time, so you kind of drift right yeah.
00:02:38.705 --> 00:02:41.412
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:02:41.412 --> 00:02:47.830
I mean I don't know In that essence, like what is a friend then?
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I guess?
00:02:48.879 --> 00:02:50.627
Well, exactly what is a friend?
00:02:52.643 --> 00:02:58.674
So I mean, I guess there has to be some kind of common ground, you know, or else I don't know.
00:02:58.674 --> 00:03:02.581
I guess there's not really a point in being someone's friend.
00:03:02.581 --> 00:03:04.163
There's not really a point in being someone's friend.
00:03:04.163 --> 00:03:10.348
It could be their acquaintance, like you know, you can be polite and be like hi, how's it going?
00:03:10.368 --> 00:03:11.289
Good, good, oh gosh.
00:03:11.289 --> 00:03:16.954
But you can be polite to the clerk at the corner store Like just make it a friendship.
00:03:17.835 --> 00:03:19.856
No, I know, but I'm just saying like.
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So, like you know, the definition of having a friend, I think, is also there's some kind of common ground between you.
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Know the friendship, I think.
00:03:33.094 --> 00:03:39.532
Yeah, like what think of your friends, not the online friends, but your actual physical friends.
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Okay.
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Yeah.
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What made you back in the day, back in the 90s, high school-ish, what made you feel close to that person?
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When we'd play sports together.
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So common ground, mm-hmm.
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Okay, and if you weren't playing sports or doing whatever that common thing was, did you ever talk about other things?
00:04:02.933 --> 00:04:21.870
Yeah, sure, we talked about video games or other common things nothing like no, no in the 90s I know I mean I was like 12 well, okay, you're more than 12 99 okay, not, well, you're going right to the end.
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Well, of course, okay, because that's when you were in high school 99.
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Yeah, I wasn't having deep conversations with anyone.
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No, not even like this is my crush or anything.
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Is that different?
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Is it different Friendship with boy friendships and girl friendships?
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We don't talk about crushes.
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You never told a friend like I like this chick.
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No no.
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Not even like a.
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No, because boys would get teased.
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So if we said like I like that girl, then all of a sudden one guy is telling another guy, and then all the guys, and then they're all saying like yo, josh has a crush on you, or whatever.
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So no, of course not.
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We kept our mouth shut.
00:05:02.050 --> 00:05:02.529
Okay.
00:05:02.529 --> 00:05:11.413
You know, so because as a girl with friends like, we told each other everything Like they had.
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But it's funny because I don't remember ever being scared that my secrets would come out.
00:05:18.197 --> 00:05:20.098
Maybe I had the wrong friends, I don't know.
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No.
00:05:23.620 --> 00:05:25.043
I think it's maybe different too with boys and girls.
00:05:25.043 --> 00:05:33.624
Josh, also, my high school situation was a little different, because my high school situation.
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I left for PEI when I was almost at the end of elementary school.
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And then I came back two grades after in high school, grade eight.
00:05:46.379 --> 00:05:50.906
So all my friends when I came back.
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I'll never forget that.
00:05:52.610 --> 00:05:57.805
Actually, I remember when I came back I saw all my old friends in high school.
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I was like hey, I was like it's josh, you know, and they treated me like they didn't even fucking know me.
00:06:05.144 --> 00:06:07.067
That's heartbreaking, I know.
00:06:07.307 --> 00:06:15.235
I know I'll never forget that I won't say any names because obviously they're all here in Montreal, right, but they know who they are.
00:06:15.235 --> 00:06:19.189
But that was something I have to say.
00:06:19.189 --> 00:06:25.661
I was kind of like man really, just like you know, a few years went by and it's like I come back and it's like who's this fucking loser?
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You?
00:06:26.502 --> 00:06:29.471
know that's so heartbreaking so that.
00:06:29.632 --> 00:06:30.935
So basically I went to.
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I went to high school where all my old friends were there, yeah, but I was making, I had to make new friends.
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Instead, you know, there was only maybe a couple who was like josh, you know, like, oh my God, you know, like Jeff, you know there was there was a couple.
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Yeah, Jeff, you know there was.
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there was a couple, so he was there for one of my embarrassing moments.
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Well, I thought I thought it was pretty embarrassing when I got my first car.
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You, you and Jeff I was.
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I drove him and we stopped at the gas station.
00:07:06.220 --> 00:07:09.141
Yeah, we stopped at the gas station and it was literally.
00:07:09.141 --> 00:07:17.526
I had just gotten my car that day and I was like I need to get gas, but I didn't know how to put gas in the car.
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Oh, my God.
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And I was like do either one of you know how?
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And Jeff showed me how.
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Really.
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I swear to God, oh my gosh, I didn't even know that.
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Yeah.
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Well, Jeff was definitely always good with stuff like that.
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Well, he was a cool kid, I liked him.
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Yeah, do we give up on adult friendships faster because they're not built in to our routines anymore?
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Yes, I don't even mean to do it on purpose, but I don't know, I can't tell you how many times I'd be like, yeah, for sure We'll, we'll get together, we'll do this, we'll do X, y, z and like, as I'm walking away, I'm like it's never going to happen.
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But I don't mean to to.
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I don't mean like it's never going to happen because of the person I'm leaving and I'm saying to my head it's never going to happen because like, fuck, like it just never happens.
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You know, too busy to this to that, too much stuff going on, no time, no time.
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I.
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I feel like it's not so much maybe giving up on friendships faster as adults.
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I think it's getting to the point of having a really strong friendship.
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That's also a good one.
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Do you know?
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Yeah, like I don't really see a big point in it.
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Like there are some moments where I'm kind of like it'd be nice to have like that dude you know, and I have one.
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I have one that I'm very close to.
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We don't see each other as often as I'd like.
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I could call him tomorrow and I'm pretty sure he would take a bat to someone's head for me, like in a heartbeat.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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I don't know if any of my girlfriends would do that.
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So it's nice, you know, I definitely you know like there's definitely we have a bond there.
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You know we went through some similar struggles and again, you know all that kind of common ground stuff, you know, and he's a good guy.
00:09:07.139 --> 00:09:19.250
So I have some really great girls that I know that are, you know, part of my life, that I can go to and kind of, like you know, talk about all kinds of things with Like.
00:09:19.250 --> 00:09:29.126
It's usually like the girls night every couple of months and we all catch up and then we you know, disperse Until we meet up again, kind of thing.
00:09:29.227 --> 00:09:32.201
you know, it is what it is Like.
00:09:32.201 --> 00:09:41.815
I mean, if it was just me like that that wasn't able to get it with and everybody else was getting together all the time, then I would maybe look at it differently.
00:09:42.059 --> 00:09:52.652
Right, I would maybe look at it differently, but I feel like it's pretty much a consensus at our stage of life that there's a lot of struggling with the friendship thing.
00:09:52.652 --> 00:10:09.857
I read a book recently called Frentimacy and the idea behind it is and I'm totally going to paraphrase but the idea behind it is that people want authentic friendships just like they want authentic relationships like romance partners, right.
00:10:10.099 --> 00:10:10.259
Right.
00:10:10.539 --> 00:10:26.292
But we don't talk about our feelings and our needs and our desires and our wants for a friendship and what we want in that kind of a relationship with our friends, like we would with a romantic partner.
00:10:26.432 --> 00:10:27.835
Hmm, Right, that's so true.
00:10:28.321 --> 00:10:36.033
And if we did more of that, we would actually be surprised at what kind of friendships we could walk away with.
00:10:36.139 --> 00:10:40.051
And probably we don't, because we would be like why are you so weird?
00:10:40.399 --> 00:10:42.477
Well, it's because it's so intimate.
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Why are you telling me that you want, your telling me like you know, like that you want your friend to do this or your partner to do that.
00:10:48.125 --> 00:10:52.842
It's like you know we're not dating exactly so I think I get why people?
00:10:52.842 --> 00:11:02.919
Don't, yeah, because I think people find it to be like that's too much, like whoa, you know, I don't need a friend, a friend that's also demanding yeah do you know what I mean?
00:11:03.260 --> 00:11:05.587
yeah I could see how people might think of that.
00:11:05.587 --> 00:11:08.005
But anyways, it was a really interesting read.
00:11:08.005 --> 00:11:25.059
It didn't make me change anything in my friendship because I was like now I understand why, as we've aged, friendships end up the way that they are because we're not communicating what our needs and wants are within that relationship.
00:11:25.059 --> 00:11:28.129
But nobody's really doing that.
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And everything changes over time.
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For us it does.
00:11:31.154 --> 00:11:35.769
Just like anything Our needs and wants in a company that we work for, et cetera.
00:11:35.971 --> 00:11:41.149
Exactly, and what we want in a friendship now was not what I needed and wanted in a friendship even five years ago.
00:11:41.370 --> 00:11:42.653
Exactly, so yeah.
00:11:43.640 --> 00:11:45.086
Were we more forgiving as kids?
00:11:45.086 --> 00:11:50.509
Last question Hands down we were Well, yeah, I think so.
00:11:50.509 --> 00:12:04.899
Of course, the amount of things that I overlooked or, you know, chose not to, you know make a big deal about with friendships as young, even in my 20s, really God, I think I was a Are things now I'd be twenties, really God.
00:12:04.899 --> 00:12:07.706
I think Are things now I'd be like are you kidding me?
00:12:07.706 --> 00:12:08.249
Fuck you.
00:12:08.610 --> 00:12:11.366
Yeah, I think I was a pushover until like just a couple of years ago.
00:12:13.010 --> 00:12:14.602
So A pushover.
00:12:14.602 --> 00:12:15.285
In what way, though?
00:12:16.760 --> 00:12:21.351
In the way of just letting everything kind of go Ooh, you know.
00:12:21.961 --> 00:12:28.201
So I think Did you let it go and still have a friendship, or did you let it go but leave the friendship behind that?
00:12:28.201 --> 00:12:41.200
There's a difference there, both okay both listen, you know uh, friends, you're my friend what?
00:12:44.267 --> 00:12:44.847
what'd you say?
00:12:44.847 --> 00:12:47.092
I said you're my friend, you're my friend too.
00:12:47.092 --> 00:12:50.246
Would we be friends if we weren't brothers and sisters?
00:12:51.308 --> 00:12:51.389
I?
00:12:51.389 --> 00:12:59.159
I don't think I'd ever fucking see you, so probably not, josh only because of of proximity.
00:12:59.159 --> 00:13:06.953
We're walking through every friendship phase, from grade school to midlife.
00:13:06.953 --> 00:13:09.967
Okay, okay, all right, I'm gonna start us off.
00:13:09.967 --> 00:13:22.129
Which one hurt more getting left out of the sleepover, the play date, the whatever, or being told where we already have enough people for the group project?
00:13:23.772 --> 00:13:25.333
I definitely didn't give a shit.
00:13:25.333 --> 00:13:33.793
Oh, you know what the group project, I guess yeah yeah, because I always had so much difficulty in school.
00:13:33.793 --> 00:13:38.562
So if I could, you know, linger with the good group or something.
00:13:38.562 --> 00:13:41.725
So if they were like we already have people be pretty sad.
00:13:41.725 --> 00:13:44.368
Aww, what about you?
00:13:45.587 --> 00:13:53.313
I'm going to say the getting left out of, like the sleepover or the play date or whatever.
00:13:53.313 --> 00:14:00.741
I actually didn't care about the school stuff as much For me.
00:14:00.763 --> 00:14:04.179
I was like eh, I'd rather work on my own anyway, because you worked yeah.
00:14:04.179 --> 00:14:06.544
Okay, got it yeah.
00:14:06.725 --> 00:14:07.086
Okay, got it yeah.
00:14:07.967 --> 00:14:09.009
All right, my turn.
00:14:09.130 --> 00:14:09.331
Yes.
00:14:09.912 --> 00:14:10.173
All right.
00:14:10.173 --> 00:14:22.683
Which one felt worse, being the emotional support friend who never got invited for to the fun stuff, or your roommate suddenly deciding they needed space halfway through the lease.
00:14:22.725 --> 00:14:34.772
Yes, so, interestingly enough, I've actually been in the situation where my roommate didn't need space but was like, yeah, we're not, this isn't working kind of thing.
00:14:34.772 --> 00:14:42.644
Halfway through the lease been been in that situation not fun, huh no, it's not fun because there's money involved do you know what I mean?
00:14:42.703 --> 00:14:44.187
like that's not that's not.
00:14:44.207 --> 00:14:44.850
Yeah, so that's my choice.
00:14:44.850 --> 00:14:45.129
You yeah same.
00:14:45.129 --> 00:14:47.235
It's happened to me too, so that's not that's not.
00:14:47.275 --> 00:14:48.960
Yeah, so that's my choice, you yeah, same.
00:14:48.960 --> 00:14:51.849
It's happened to me too, so that's probably.
00:14:52.791 --> 00:14:54.316
It's almost like a rite of passage, eh.
00:14:54.697 --> 00:14:55.578
Yeah, kind of is.
00:14:56.642 --> 00:14:59.489
Oh crap, okay, which one makes you spiral faster?
00:14:59.489 --> 00:15:14.559
Getting invited to something last minute Like it's almost like as if it's clearly a backup or being left off the group baby shower or like wedding text thread, but still asked to contribute to the gift.
00:15:15.345 --> 00:15:18.870
Well, that one sounds pretty shitty it does, so I'm going to say that one.
00:15:19.785 --> 00:15:22.676
I was once invited to a bachelorette, but not the wedding.
00:15:22.676 --> 00:15:27.115
It was a friend or a sibling of a friend.
00:15:27.115 --> 00:15:28.890
I didn't take offense to it.
00:15:28.890 --> 00:15:32.333
Honestly, the bachelorette is the most fun part anyway.
00:15:32.333 --> 00:15:38.695
And then you're not, like, forced to buy a wedding gift, so I'll take that.
00:15:39.355 --> 00:15:40.859
Yeah, that's true, got a good point.
00:15:41.038 --> 00:15:43.572
Yeah, okay, this one, I'll finish this off.
00:15:43.812 --> 00:15:43.952
Okay.
00:15:44.166 --> 00:16:04.850
Which one still stings being soft ghosted by someone who used to be your ride or die, or realizing you're the only one still making the effort to stay in touch I guess I'm gonna say the first one shoot, because I'm usually that person.
00:16:04.850 --> 00:16:07.575
So I'd say ride or die.
00:16:08.235 --> 00:16:17.577
I'm usually the one who's not making the effort to stay in touch, so I'm going to say being the soft ghosted by someone, I guess.
00:16:19.125 --> 00:16:21.514
See, I've had both.
00:16:23.466 --> 00:16:24.129
I've had both too.
00:16:24.525 --> 00:16:33.350
But currently I'm living more in the second one, which is being the only one making the effort, and I hate that feeling.
00:16:33.350 --> 00:16:37.633
It makes you feel like you're not important enough.
00:16:37.633 --> 00:16:39.096
You know what I mean.
00:16:39.096 --> 00:16:42.269
All right, our weekly memory fight.
00:16:42.731 --> 00:16:43.092
Okay.
00:16:43.985 --> 00:16:52.511
Josh claims that he did not have a crush on my best friend in high school and I have some things to say about it.
00:16:52.765 --> 00:16:53.789
There was no crush.
00:16:54.725 --> 00:16:57.836
I had a group of four girlfriends in high school.
00:16:58.346 --> 00:16:59.330
I don't even remember that.
00:16:59.571 --> 00:17:03.682
Okay, and at one point they came over to the house.
00:17:03.984 --> 00:17:04.184
Okay.
00:17:04.586 --> 00:17:09.967
Every single time that they did, you followed this one girl around like a little lost puppy.
00:17:09.967 --> 00:17:11.050
What?
00:17:11.050 --> 00:17:14.300
Okay, now, granted, he was like six or seven at the time.
00:17:14.320 --> 00:17:16.847
Okay, oh my God, how am I supposed to remember that?
00:17:16.847 --> 00:17:18.893
Okay, so, six or seven.
00:17:18.992 --> 00:17:20.497
No, but you brought it up the other week.
00:17:20.924 --> 00:17:22.729
No, I guess you did it was.
00:17:22.729 --> 00:17:23.611
It was which friend?
00:17:25.394 --> 00:17:26.576
Are we going to say it out loud?
00:17:26.738 --> 00:17:27.117
I don't know.
00:17:28.644 --> 00:17:28.826
Are you?
00:17:28.986 --> 00:17:30.349
I don't care, I don't mind, I don't care.
00:17:30.349 --> 00:17:37.935
Wait, but do you think I what I like I have a when I was six or seven years old, laura, okay, no, that you teased me when it was way later.
00:17:38.317 --> 00:17:42.550
Okay, I thought it was like you were like seven or six, seven.
00:17:42.570 --> 00:17:43.031
And what do you mean?
00:17:43.031 --> 00:17:45.855
I followed her around, you were following us around all the time.
00:17:45.875 --> 00:17:46.777
You wouldn't leave us alone.
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